By Jack Perry
Did you know that most people never learned how to listen? Granted, many are blessed with the physical ability to receive audible sounds and then process them into meaning, but that is called hearing. In fact, hearing and listening are two completely different things.
Unlike hearing, listening is unnatural. Listening is a learning process and lifelong commitment to gaining understanding. So what does being a good listener mean? Rebecca Z. Shafir, a certified speech and language pathologist, wrote in her book, The Zen of Listening, “You want to get in the other person’s movie. You want to tell yourself, ‘I’m not just hearing words. I want to feel it, see it, and smell it. I want to understand exactly what this person is saying to me.’ Forgetting yourself and getting into the speaker’s movie is like going on vacation from your ego.”
In the business world, you can’t determine what your customers want and need until you listen to them with deliberation. So how can you get into other people’s “movies,” become a better listener, and achieve greater success as a result? You must overcome the following six barriers to active listening.
1. Interrupting the Speaker
Whether you’re excited about adding to the conversation, or you don’t want to forget your thought, interruptions always have a negative effect on communications. Consider the following effects:
Interruption is a control issue. If someone is speaking and you interrupt, then you’re only concerned about getting your thoughts and your message across right NOW. This is a “negative power play.”
Interruption is a sign you’re in your own “movie.” As mentioned previously, the key to listening is getting out of your movie and stepping into the speaker’s. When you interrupt a speaker, you’re not showing interest in his “movie.” Instead, you’re demonstrating a level of self-centeredness that creates an immediate barrier between you and your speaker.
Interruption distances you from the other person. Besides a control issue, interruption (sometimes purposely) creates an immediate distance between you and your speaker. You have, in essence, strong-armed the speaker and the opinion she is trying to share with you.
Don’t interrupt the speaker unless you must ask a clarifying question, such as “Would you restate that again? I’m not sure I understood.” Or, “What do you mean by that?” And before you ask a clarifying question, consider whether you are asking it because you’re really trying a power play, or you are trying to get in the way of what the speaker is saying. Also, consider whether your question can wait. If not, then don’t hesitate to ask your question. The best solution, however, is to ask clarifiers when the speaker has wrapped up his or her side of the conversation.
2. Participating in the Judge and Jump Syndrome
Before collecting the information needed to respond responsibly, people often make judgments against the person or the message he or she is trying to convey. They make an assumption about where the speaker’s line of thought is headed, and jump in to divert the speaker or to one-up the speaker in front of others. This says, “See how smart I am? I’m summing it up and saying it before he can!” But jumping in on someone closes down communication and sets up immediate, often competitive, barriers between you and the speaker.
Susan Berkley, author of Speak to Influence, wrote that when you wait two seconds before responding, you show the speaker that you’re processing what he or she has said. This pause is an acknowledgement that you’ve really heard the other person’s message. Also, don’t respond for longer than twenty seconds. Have you ever noticed that the most popular person at parties is not the guy who goes on and on about himself, but the one who asks the right questions so others can talk about themselves? This is the sign of a great listener!
3. Listening with Expectations
Rather than actively listening in an effort to build a relationship, people sometimes only participate in the process to steer the speaker toward doing what they want done. This is called “superficial listening,” and is an obvious form of manipulation that is uncomfortable for everyone, especially when done in front of a group of people. If you participate in this form of listening, your intentions are as transparent as a clean pane of glass. Even if people around you don’t consciously recognize this technique, they will instinctively feel that you can’t be trusted. Avoid using listening to get what you want because trust is difficult to rebuild.
4. Judging on Appearances, Rather than What the Person Says
Everyone is guilty of this at one time or another. People carry pre-determined judgments, whether they’ve been acquired from actual practice in the field or simply carried forward from parents or peers. You might have conscious or subconscious biases toward people who look, sound, or otherwise seem different.
This is a difficult obstacle to move past because people constantly make judgment calls about others. In fact, a judgment occurs within fifteen seconds of meeting (or even seeing) an individual for the first time. Whether you find yourself in a social setting or a business boardroom, your mind immediately begins chattering like a Las Vegas bookie, adding up plus points, subtracting the minuses, and deciding if the sum score is of passing grade even before this person opens his or her mouth.
To effectively overcome this barrier, consciously tell yourself to put pre-judgments aside. In reality, the person’s looks have nothing to do with the conversation that is about to ensue. Start every conversation with positive expectation and you’ll both be justly rewarded.
5. Drifting While the Speaker is Talking
Now, if you’re looking for a realistic excuse as to why you’re not listening, this is the one. Why? Because our brains process information faster than we can speak. On the average, a person speaks approximately 125 to 135 words a minute. That’s standard! Meanwhile, the average mind is capable of absorbing and processing 400 to 500 words a minute. What happens in that lag time? You drift. Your brain has processed the message and starts looking to fill that gap with thoughts on your kid’s grade in Social Studies, your ski trip next week, the report due to your boss before the end of the day, and whether you burned off that bagel this morning while jogging.
You must be constantly cognizant of this “drift-ability” so you can pull yourself back into the speaker’s words. Also, try validating what the speaker says by nodding your head on occasion and affirming with an “uh-huh” or “that makes sense” statement.
6. Letting Your Eyes Give You Away
Research shows that when a person looks down and to the left, they’re remembering something. When they look directly to the left, they’re processing a thought. When they look up to the left, they’re considering a new thought. And when they look up to the right, they’re planning their next move. Because these are such subconscious gestures, the speaker will inevitably shift her eyes while talking to you. But the speaker might interpret your drifting eyes as a sign of boredom or non-interest.
Eyes communicate that you are a committed, active listener. Therefore, your eyes must stay directly focused on the speaker, but don’t follow the speaker’s eyes. While the speaker develops her next thought, her eyes will drift. But if you think, “What in the world is she looking at?” and turn to check it out yourself, the speaker will stutter to a stop because you’ve dropped eye contact. Then the subject of conversation might change briefly to accommodate your shift before the speaker feels comfortable returning to the topic. Remember, as a good listener, you must maintain focus on the speaker.
Successful Listening in the Future
Listening is a lifelong learning process; it takes effort, it takes commitment, it takes focus. The rewards, however, are ten fold. When you overcome these six barriers and commit yourself to practicing good listening skills, you can single-handedly improve and inspire greater cooperation in your business and personal relationships.
Listen from The Respect Factor® Series
© Jack Perry, 2005
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THE RESPECT FACTOR® is a trademark of Jack Perry in the United States and other countries. Used with permission. ©2009 Jack Perry. All rights reserved.
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